I Really Should be Writing Something Else

My health is a trainwreck.

I thought getting pregnant after 4 years of infertility treatments was IT. The defining moment demarcating the sickly past from my surely healthy future.

That is not the case.

It is too complicated to go into a lot of detail; I'm still reeling from data overload myself. Suffice it to say that PCOS is doing its darnedest to kill me.

I thought the fight was just about having a baby.

Turns out, it's a fight for my life.

Not to panic you. Death is not imminent or anything where you need to order flowers for the funeral. It is simply becoming clearer and clearer to me how insidious and deadly PCOS can be. I am SOL. I can't take the 1 medication that mostly 'fixes' PCOS and there aren't any other medications that are established alternatives.

I hope I will live forever and be healthy. I feel that, at this rate, I will be blessed to make it to 50. I probably will not have any more children which has thrust me, unprepared, into a moral and emotional crisis surrounding our 11 frozen embryos.

I can't help but look at my daughter and think my babies. My frozen embryos have ceased to be intangible products of a grand scientific experiment. They are my children and I don't want them to die.

Ugh.

Well, I've never been accused of being an optimist. So maybe you shouldn't take me seriously. Except, I am pretty sure it won't be safe for me to have more kids.

Dear universe, please prove me wrong. You do it every other time I am certain about anything (you bitch). Thanks.

I am having a hard time finding a good endocrinologist. The guy I was seeing was a tool who diagnosed me with Hashimoto's without really testing for it. So I don't actually know what's going on. Oh, I do know the thyroid nodules are too small to worry about a biopsy. I don't have cancer and I don't not have cancer. So long as I have nodules, I have to be screened to rule out cancer. Eh. Right now, that's good enough for me. I am a little less than enthusiastic about the need for regular screening, but eh, whatever.

I continue to be in a gray area medically where good physicians and good information are hard to come by and when you do strike pay dirt, it's convoluted and confusing.

This really sucks.