MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES, AND NO PUSH-UP BRA

It's been a pleasant holiday season overall. My husband and I have taken advantage of visiting relatives to go to movies almost every night since Christmas. We tuck the babeola in bed and off we go. Granted, it's not like the dates we used to have. So far I've worn the same (unwashed, but outwardly clean) outfit twice. There is no make-up. The fact I showered and have clean underwear on is the equivalent of stuffing my boobs into a Victoria's Secret push-up bra. The same goes for the husband, except he never wore bras. Oh, how far our standards have fallen, but with the babeola we are lucky to get out of the house in time to see a movie before midnight. This is parenthood, people.

Also, I am still going through steroid withdrawal and am very sluggish. I am not one to wear workout pants to any place but the gym, however lately I have been really dressing down. I finally got smart and looked at the medication level I was at vs. what I take now. Hmmm. Well look at that. 20%  of the usual dose, which is kind of drastic and so I upped it to 40%. I'm sure this is boring to you, but I have lazy adrenal glands and these little details are important if I want to, oh say, make adrenaline or, you know, not fall asleep at the wheel.  So, I'm better at the higher dose, but still dragging a bit. It's going to take a while.

Anyways, we have seen the following movies:

--The Day the Earth Stood Still which is based on a short story by Harry Bates. We both really enjoyed the movie and found it very interesting. How much of the earth has to die before we make a change? How much do we have to lose before we try to save what is left?

--Valkyrie with Tom Cruise. Also an interesting movie that sparked a bit of conversation. Would you try to kill Hitler or stand to the side? It's a hard question, since group dynamics are always problematic. Indeed, it is part of the reason the assasination attempt portrayed in the movie failed. Also, it appeared the conspirators were aware of the inevitability that the Allies would be victorious, so the attempt to off Hitler was not so much altruistic as it was a power grab. Power grabs are always troublesome. What with the arguing, back stabbing, and posturing, it's amazing that they even actually got a bomb made, let alone detonated it next to Hitler.

My husband would join the conspiracy, no questions asked. One relative would join up to fight for their country to broker peace and avoid an Allie takeover. Myself, I would be more cautious, particularly if the Allied victory loomed on the horizon. Treason and politics are always fatal. I would want my family to survive and would confine my resistance to lesser acts.

--Last night we saw Marley & Me. Oh boy. Bring the Kleenex for this one, especially if you have loved a pet. The movie's impact has more to do with the viewer's own experiences with dogs than the plot or dialogue. We certainly came home and hugged our puppies. The real heart kicker was the fact that the babeola will never know life without our dogs and when they go, it will be a huge loss for her.

Aside from sad movies, I have learned of some sad news for our local area. The mall is closing. Businesses are clearing their inventory and doors will shut sometime in January. As you can imagine, this is a big hit to the local economy.  The rumors say the hospital will take over parts of the building. Rumors also tell of restaurants shut down mid-shift and patrons and staff alike escorted out. And I fear this is only the beginning.

Well, this has been kind of a downer post, no? Maybe if I slurp more caffeine I'll perk up.

SANTA CAME BUT THERE WAS NO NANNY UNDER THE TREE

Merry post-holiday. I am tired. I am undergoing some withdrawal as I am not taking the same dose medication as before. So I am tired and water retention puffy and rashy and ugghy (that last is not really a word).  It does not help that the babeola has an ear infection and was up most of the night Christmas Eve.

But the babeola has antibiotics now, so all is good. And yes, I know that technically ear infections don't require antibiotics, but our insurance is switching (again!) and we will have a gap between doctors. A gap that I don't want to fall into with a screaming-in-pain toddler. So neon pink goop, here we come!

The holiday was festive and cheerful and way too bright with way too much sugar. The babeola is still oblivious to the Christmas gimmes, but Santa loves her best and left her piles of goodies. We have not one, but two riding toys. A million and one building blocks. Books and more books and even more books. Adorable outfits that put Suri Cruise to shame.

The best moment was on Christmas Day when the babeola said 'Where Dada go?'  Despite knowing lots of phrases and words, she doesn't speak a lot so it was neat to hear such a complex sentence from her. Plus, it was clear enough that even Grandma understood what she said. So a happy parenting moment all around.

FYI, Dada was in the basement doing laundry.

Anyway,one of my gifts was a haircut and I chopped it all off. Not a good idea when one's face is at peak water retention and rashy-ness.  I look like a plump, juicy ugly fruit.

And *ugh* I am too tired to blog any more. I am going to bed. Here are pictures of the babeola. I call the first one 'when baby proofing goes wrong.'

 

 

I HAVEN'T WRAPPED ANY GIFTS

Well, we are sick here in the Weak household. The babeola went down first followed by me. I'm fighting it with Zicam, which, interesting side note, if you google 'does Zicam work' some of the search results share how Zicam paid out damages to consumers who lost their sense of smell.  So every time I Zicam my nose, I wonder if it's the last thing I'll ever smell.

Aside from extracting boogies from an unwilling toddler and killing my sense of smell, I am fighting through the virus induced fatigue to make pie and glob chocolate on pretzels. Later I will make cookies and cinnamon rolls and beans. Yes, beans. I realize that probably looks discordant, but we aren't just eating cookies. There will be beans too. And fish. And green bean casserole. And dried mushrooms with sauerkraut soup.

Yeah, we have kind of a strange Christmas dinner going. Even more interesting, we really don't know how to make the beans or soup. Every year they end up tasting like shit and yet we persevere. Tradition over taste and all that.

As for the heart, went to the doc, everything is fine. Completely benign, even if it does feel like Frankenstein lurching around in there. Don't know why I'm so princess-and-the-pea about it, but at least discontinuing the one medication has made it so that I wonder if I'm dead because, 90%  of the time now, I can't feel my heart beating at all.

If you are bored and have nothing to do this holiday, check out The Lost Art of 'Beachobatics' . It's a never before seen photo montage of crazy Aussies on the beach pre WWII. If you are in a cold climate, the pics will make you feel warm as the hot summer sun shines in these photos. Happy Holidays everyone.

EVERYTHING I THINK I KNOW ABOUT NEWBORNS

I've been following a few newly pregnant mommas-to-be on message boards and blogs and thought a list of all the wisdom I've managed to accumulate so far might be helpful.(Or therapeutic, either way!)

1. The two most important DVDs you can watch before the baby are 'The Happiest Baby on the Block' and 'Unconditional Parenting'. THBOTB teaches you how to make baby sleep and UP gets you and your partner talking about parenting philosophies (very important to get this discussion underway before you start screaming at each other at 3 am re: pacifier use).

2.The first 8 weeks are the roughest (and also the most precious as you finally get to see whose been hiding in your stomach). You will want the most help then. Freezer meals or heavy patronage of takeout establishments will be essential to survival.

3. After the first 8 weeks, the next hardest phase is around 6 months. By 6 months the sleep deprivation really starts to hurt and, at the same time, baby is pretty restless at night and going through all sorts of developmentally triggered sleep disruptions. This would be a good time to have Grandma come back for a week or two to relieve you of 24/7 baby duty.  If Grandma has time to cook up another round of freezer meals, all the better.

4.Just keep breastfeeding.  It's natural to want to stop. It's normal for it to be harder than you thought and normal for it to be more painful than you thought.  It's also normal to have to nurse all. the. time. the first 8 weeks. Gel wound pads (sometimes sold under the brand name of 'soothies') are very helpful. That and going to the lactation support meetings sponsored by the hospital--those are great for getting advice and getting you out of the house in those early newborn months. I also recommend a stash of Fenugreek on the off chance you need something to boost supply. Fenugreek is safe and cheap on Amazon.com.

5.Breastfeeding is not free. It can actually be quite expensive. Lansinoh, the lanolin cream reccommeneded for nipple care, is around $8 a tube. Pumps are about $300 and the pump accessories will run you about $10 a component  or $40 worth of equipment per pumping session. I spent close to $1000 on breastfeeding supplies. (FYI the first baby is the most expensive because you don't know what to buy and what you will use and what will last, so you end up spending a lot more money than you will on subsequent children.)

Personally, if I had to do it over, I would rent a hospital grade pump as the consumer retail pumps are manufactured with planned obsolescence in mind. Meaning they are not meant to last more than a year, which sucks if you want more kids.

Further, you will need a pump even if you plan to be a stay-at-home mom. Why? Let me count the ways you will find a hospital grade pump useful:

--to build a stash for outings sans baby or make a bottle so Dad or someone else can do the middle-of-the-night feeding and let you sleep
--to relieve engorgement or substitute for missed nursings (when baby is sick and won't eat)
--to increase milk supply
--to give sore, cracked, bleeding nipples a break as the pump is gentler than baby

6.I'm sorry, but the boppy sucks. Get a My Brestfriend pillow, it's ergonomic, adjustable, and provides better support for mom and baby. Boppy has better marketing, but My Brestfriend is the better product--particularly for taller mommas.

7. Motherhood is not ergonomic. It's actually quite physically demanding and strains the neck, back, shoulders, wrists, and hands. Watch your posture and avoid contorting yourself while nursing. Don't slump. Get massages. Take some Tyelonol. Lift weights before baby arrives. And if you plan to baby wear, do it from day one and don't stop so that your body's strength increases along with the baby's weight.

8. For winter babies, all you need are footie sleepers. Summer babies only need footie sleepers as well, although you could get some onesies and some pants for the really hot days. That's it. Skip the cute outfits, they are never diaper accessible or convenient at 2 am (and I know no one is going to listen to me on this one, but don't say I didn't warn you). Babies grow about 1-2" a month in length for the first several months and 2" is usually a size. Once the baby is born and you know baby's height, you can project the size increments they will go through.

    Also, If you and your spouse are tall, the baby will likely be tall. As an example, the babeola was in 12 month size by 5 months. Likewise, if you and your spouse are more petitie, your baby will be as well. Short babies are cheaper than tall babies. Tall babies go through a lot more clothes. The babeola is currently 14 months and wearing 3T, meaning we've bought and used all the clothing sizes that come before in just a year. Usually 3T is for 2-3 year old toddlers.

9. Go out to eat. Go to movies. Newborns do not care and are very portable. Even long car rides are no big deal so long as you stop for boob time on a regular basis (and are past the initial 8 week boob-a-thon). So go live it up with baby tucked against you in a sling. Just don't get involved in anything that expects you do more than just show up (as in expecting you to bring food, bake, or otherwise look alive, presentable, or sane). This is not the time to be a bridesmaid. Go to the wedding, sure, but do anything other than pull on some clean sweatpants and sit in the back pew? No.

10. The cognitive dissonance of new motherhood is enormous. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. Whatever you thought being a parent would be like is not usually how things end up happening. Sleep deprivation magnifies all emotions. Normal. Normal. Normal. If you feel better after getting some sleep, it's probably not post-partum depression. The best advice I've heard is don't take anything personally the first year. You and your spouse will be at your limits and may say/do some unfortunate things. Just chalk it up to the first year of parenthood and let it go.

11. Get a rocker that swivels. Swiveling rocking chairs are wonderful. It means you can set up a nursing station with a PC for surfing the net and when you change sides while nursing, you just spin around to switch hands and keep surfing (or reading or eating or anything else you want to do). Also, when guests come, you can swivel around to latch baby on without flashing everyone and then swivel back once you're good. Nursing tends to trap you in a chair, so make sure the chair gives you as much freedom and comfort as possible.

12. Do what works. Screw the books and the experts. Do what works and don't get hung up on what is supposed to be.

13. Nap when baby sleeps is such crap advice. Very few newborns have predictable patterns. For a long time you won't know if baby is taking a five minute catnap or a three hour monster nap. It's actually pretty annoying. If you're desperate for sleep, take a snooze with baby on your chest, this will keep them quiet (and they'll probably sleep) and give you a break.

14. Toys and Accessories.

Start reading books and poetry as early as you want. Around 6ish weeks, baby will look at the book with you. Babies will fondly remember the books you read to them now. The babeola about died with joy when I dug out the Olivia board book we read together all the time when she was just 6 weeks old.

Music is great as well, I highly recommend the Wee Sing Finger Play CD for kids. You can sing and do the hand motions which will entertain baby endlessly. If I were rich, I would buy one of these CDs for every new mom, that's how much I like it.

Mobiles with strong graphics also provide entertainment.

Going out for a walk or to a store or a mall to roam around is quite stimulating for them as well. Many malls now have family lounges and nursing nooks for nursing moms, which makes it very easy to get out of the house.

Bouncy seats are nice (and actually essential).

Oh and a swing (buy one that will hold up to 30lbs so you get the most use out of it). Once baby is past the shiny new newborn phase they will happily bounce in a bouncy seat or swing in a swing while you take a shower, eat, pee, or simply take a break.

Also, if you have pets, a playpen is useful for keeping baby and their toys safe from their fursiblings.

(I know there's an anti 'baby holder' sentiment in our parenting culture right now, but the reality is, unless you have hands-on help, you are going to need someplace safe and entertaining to put baby so you can tend to things that won't wait until baby is eighteen.)

15. Sleep. The first 8 weeks, anything goes. You just have to roll with the flow. The only thing you can do that helps is swaddling. At 8 weeks introduce a nap schedule and start putting baby to sleep drowsy but awake so they begin to learn how to go to sleep. 2 hours after baby wakes for the day, put baby down for a nap following a routine you've created (i.e. music, song, white noise). They may or may not sleep. You don't have to do cry-it-out (and shouldn't) but introduce a routine and schedule, slowly and gently. Next nap is 2-3 hours after the first. Just keep trying. Napping is a learned skill, it does not come naturally.

Putting baby down drowsy but awake is really important at this stage, so, at the very least, do this much. Again, no crying-it-out, at this age, if baby cries, they need you period.

16. The rule-of-thumb is, for the first year, if baby cries, they need you. However, we did find, for the babeola, that at 9 months she began to express wants instead of needs. In an ideal world, we would honor all her wants, but some of them involved refusing to sleep or wanting to be in bed with us, not to sleep, but to pull our hair and kick Daddy in the nuts, which, as you can imagine, that kind of environment was untenable. So we did begin to draw back from the 'rushing to the rescue' approach we had been using and it turned out that we'd been micromanaging her sleep to where she couldn't relax and sleep. Even though she fussed for a bit, she actually needed us to back off and let her do it on her own.

In one night, she was sleeping through the night without a problem. Up until that point, when she cried, she needed us and we responded asap. It was exhausting, but I've noticed the babeola has almost zero separation anxiety and adjusts to new people and new situations very easily. She's very secure and we like to believe this comes from the trust we built by always responding to her needs.

17. Friends and family who have not been around small children in a long time know nothing. Review safety, routines, and basic baby care with anyone who will watch baby. A relative once watched the babeola so we could go to a movie and put her down for a nap without her lovey or pacifier or her lullaby music. My relative couldn't figure out why the babeola wouldn't go to sleep! And she has kids!

Do not assume people remember or know, they rarely do. Also, think about giving an updated parenting guide to grandparents (I think there are some out there specifically for grandparents now) to help head off conflicts in parenting philosophies.

18. You know your baby better than any doctor or any book. What you say baby needs, baby needs. If you think there is a problem, there is a problem. People will poo-poo you (including doctors) but don't worry, your inner momma bear will come roaring out and put them in their place.  Just be sure you are listening to your inner momma bear. Trust yourself, you knew your baby from their first heart beat, from their first kick. To this day, I instinctively know when the babeola is about to wake up from a nap without seeing or hearing her.

19. Nursing and early infancy tend to leave daddy out. Give daddy things to do. My husband was in charge of bath time from day one and was on diaper duty any time he was home. He ended up really enjoying diaper duty and relishing the one-on-one time, even if it involved poop. When we introduced solids, Daddy was in charge. Go ahead and get out of the house for a few hours and let Daddy take over. I often handed the babeola off to Daddy once he was home from work and ran for the hills for an hour or so.

Because you know your baby so well it can be hard to watch Daddy (and others) fumble trying to figure it out. Walk away. Bite your cheek and give Daddy some time to get it right. If baby goes into hysterics, then step in, but hold back until then.

20. I think I've pretty much covered everything I think I know about newborns, but in the interests of a round number...here's a small tip: In hot weather, use a barrier cream like A&D or Aquaphor to prevent heat rash. Change diapers more frequently if you're outside in hot weather. Heat rash can turn into major diaper rash, something we have learned the hard way. If you think you have a diaper rash brewing, run out and get some Monistat asap. It's safe and the earlier you intervene the better. The only other thing you can do for diaper rash is to let baby go without a diaper and pee all over your house. Open air tends to kill the yeast. You can battle diaper rash for months (and Monistat ain't cheap) so prevention and early intervention is key.

And that's it. Did I miss anything?

I think I'm going to try and do a post on what I think I know about older babies too.

DO NOT CALL ME DOC

So there is an interesting and timely post (for me at least) on Scapel & Sword, one of my favorite medical blogs, about the utility (or lack thereof) of Phys. Assts.  A commenter brought up the question of 'why not go to medical school?' Why not indeed.

In truth, with the pre-requisite load I have for PA school, I would just need a smidge more of classes to qualify for medical school. But I don't want to go. I have no interest in the debt, the years or hours it would take, or the sleepless residency. Further, I think becoming a doctor at this juncture in social policy could be risky as all it would take is a well timed policy change or two to ruin you financially. I am all for universal health care, but it's a problem if it lowers salaries to a point where doctors can't survive, let alone justify, several $100k in student loans. Even saving lives has a cost-benefit analysis and many doctors already struggle with that analysis, which I do not take as a good sign.

I am attracted to the PA field because it is a nice balance of return on time and money invested. I earn a Master's degree along with my certificate. I gain entry to a field that fascinates me and grants me access to needed health care.  Our employer has cut the knees out from under employee health insurance making it clear that I (along with every other American) need to do something else in order to guarantee ongoing access to quality health care. It seems as if the medical field is the best place to be if you want good insurance, plus you get to know who the good docs are. Further,we will likely never be able to retire and I need a field that will keep me employed at a decent income for the long haul.

It also helps that my original field (international logistics of hazardous materials i.e. making sure the plane you fly on does not explode) is dying with the economy. I need to retrain in something, so this is a good time to make a clean break.

Okay, so that's why I'm going for PA, but why Primary Care? Primary Care is not where the money is for anyone, which is strange as demand is stronger than supply in that field. Most doctors and PAs make more money specializing in surgical specialties. Eh. I have zero interest in surgery anything and a lot of interest in managing chronic health conditions (since I seem to be slowly collecting a full set for myself). If I were to specialize I would probably go for Respiratory or Endocrinology,which are not big on surgery type interventions.

So that's the story of why I am not going to be a doctor.

PS: The chemistry class count is now up to seven. Egads. I might as well be a chemist.

PPS: I don't want to go for Nurse Practitioner either. I am not interested in the RN working experience that is required prior to application. God bless nurses, they are saints and I am...not.

PPPS: I know I have some comments and emails I have not gotten to. My apologies. I will get back to everyone asap.

My Achy Breaky Heart

So super busy over here. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on the PA (phys. asst.) career and schooling. I have quite a few pre-requisites to get through and fund (trying to avoid financial aid). The pressure is on.

I have to take something like 5-6 Chemistry courses and pretty much ace them, which is a frightening prospect. Especially since I've decided to skip a math review in the interests of time. I've been assured, and my hazy memories of H.S. Chem agree, that Chem math is pretty rigid and cut and dried. So long as I learn the formula, I should be okay.

And double gah, I have to take the GRE so must commence studying for that.

On the 'green' front, I've ordered some DVDs of movies recommended for the awareness phase of the Transition Town movement. I just need to find some venues (i.e. libraries) and schedule some showings. Oh, and recruit some partners in crime. People in my state are reaching out to me, which is awesome, but I fear I'm slow on my response. Just so much on the plate right now. Not the least of which is procrastinating cleaning the house.

The babeola is adorable. The hubby unwittingly taught her the 'fake out' so she is always acting like she's going to hand over the sharp object that she stole completely safe and age appropriate toy and then snatching it back at the last minute. Then she giggles and an adorable shit-eater grin spreads across her face. I want to eat her up. (Why is it that deep affection inspires cannibalistic language in our culture?)

Today I gave her some playdoh and she clutched it tight in her fist as she ran back and forth screeching in delight. I then made her a neon orange playdoh yarmaluke which she thought was fantastic and she about died with laughter when I made myself a bracelet. Ah, to be so easily entertained. If only this PA thing were so simple as well.

As for the title of this post, I have had a heart arrhythmia for a while. It showed up on the EKG and everything. The thought was it was benign and I should try sleeping (this was back when the babeola never slept) and reducing my caffeine intake (both the sleep and caffeine reduction were easier said than done). Actually, the problem is potentially more serious and likely due to a side effect in my asthma medication. I discovered this by finally researching an off-hand remark my pulmonologist made about the situation and discontinuing the offending medication to see if it made a difference.

It is amazing how much easier it is to sleep at night without one's heart hurking and jerking to and fro like a dog straining against the leash to stick their nose in the butt of a random stray (okay, that was a weird visual, but, if you've ever walked a dog, you know exactly what I am talking about). However, now all my meds must be retooled and it remains to be seen if my asthma will remain under control without the heart affecting medication.

Ooops. Someone is getting into trouble and must be rescued. I'll give you three guesses who it is!

ONE OF THOSE MORBID AND FATALISTIC DAYS

Today has been one of those days where when I hear an ominous noise coming from the living room while preparing the babeola's bottle, instead of rushing to assure myself of her safety I think 'well, she won't die in ten seconds so I have time to finish heating the bottle.'

Do you ever do that? Do a risk-benefit analysis? Or am I the only mother who figures it takes more than a few seconds to do any major harm and a rescue is still possible even if I take ten seconds to wipe after peeing? I assume anything that is fatal in just a few seconds isn't anything I can do anything about anyway (although I suppose an argument could be made for prevention).

I suppose it's a rather morbid and fatalistic view of things, but I appreciate the rationalization as it does allow me to practice the aformentioned basic hygiene.

So it's been one of those days where I'm juggling too many bottles. I can't wait for Daddy to get home.

FULL BORE AHEAD

Howdy. It's been a crazy few days.

This past weekend, we drove forever and ever to the extended family Xmas gathering. We passed small town after small town, wending our way through street after street of disheveled homes. Instead of thinking how quaint, I thought, these are the people who are going to be hungry this Christmas. These are the people who are losing their jobs.

Yeah, not a happy thought.

But I have made some decisions that might help make the world a better place.

I've joined up with the Transition Town movement. This is a movement to reduce our carbon impact, create local resiliency to economic and energy shocks, and support local economies through grassroots action.

Second, I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up; A physician's assistant. I need about two years of pre-requisites (part-time) before I can apply. Who knows what will happen by then, but I hope the earth will not have flooded over and that there will still be financial aid for me to go through the PA program. I hope to specialize in primary care, which is where the US has such a profound shortage of doctors. I don't have the time or the energy to do hardcore medical school, so PA seems like a happy compromise.

The idea now is to start taking classes this January. I think I'll be starting with microbiology and auditing a math review course in preparation for algebra (which kicked my butt in High School).

In other news, I would like to make a public service announcement: There are 70-80 million-ish babies born, worldwide, each year. 3 million-ish of those babies are conceived via assisted reproductive technology (ART). Denying couples access to ART is not going to solve the overpopulation problem, okay? I know everyone wants to be green and save the earth and all, but it's not going to happen by shutting down fertility clinics. That's like killing one ant and thinking you've vanquished the whole colony. There are still waaaaaay more oopsie babies than IVF babies. Okay?

I sent an email essentially saying the same to a rather prominent green blogger who seemed to think telling me what to do with my uterus was going to save the world. Ummm. No. And no matter how I got pregnant (IVF), I still have fewer children than famed peak oil/eco-writer Sharon Astyk.

DOUBLE RAINBOW AND CHRISTMAS OVERALLS

 

This next one reminds me a lot of Santa's pipe and 'his stomach shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.'

  

 

SNEAKING

I'm taking a huge risk. The babeola and a computer are in the same room. I will either write a blog post or my computer will die via a toy thrust through its hard drive. One or the other. Someone is not going to make it out of here alive.

Anyway.

I'm so insanely busy. If you think about it (and I have) I've been in seminars for every weekend in November except Thanksgiving. Then another seminar right after Thanksgiving. The cumulative effect of the loss of free time is crippling. The babeola is living out of a suitcase as I have yet to unpack or organize her clothes since our return from the desert. I have not started Christmas Cards let alone contemplated a holiday picture of the babeola. We've given up on putting up the tree this year. We are just too busy and have so many other things that need to be done. Like basic cleaning and assembling the bookcases we've had since September. We are that behind.

Further, I signed up for a cookie exchange before I knew what it entailed. Which is me making about 400 cookies. In between seminars naturally and while completely ignoring the babeola. Note to self: Skip cookie exchanges in the future.

So as for the job interview. Eh. We'll see. I had fun at the interview, which is not really the point and is not necessarily a good sign. I am not very political or sly. What you see is what you get. What I say is what I mean. Love me or hate me, I have no secrets. I connected really well with two of the interviewers, but the third, well, I think I flubbed. She was playing games a bit and I suck at games. I kind of failed to take the conversational bait a few times as I was too busy trying to process what she was getting at--I'm a little slow that way. I'm not good at subtext.

Further, I have not had time to work on the thank you letters for the interview so if I don't get it together and get those out the door, I will probably take myself out of the running.

Hopefully this craziness will end soon.

TO WORK OR NOT TO WORK

I really want to post pictures of the double rainbow, but, alas, they live on another computer and I'm ready to write a post on this one. So sit tight. Someday I will post rainbows.  Maybe some unicorns too. Oh, and leprechauns.

The big news is I have a job interview on Friday. Initially, it was a part-time gig, but I guess they liked my resume enough to consider a full-time position with an upgraded job description. I don't know. I kind of want to work part-time, but who knows if I would make enough to cover child care.

And I have the tutoring gig going, which I really sold myself to them, saying I wanted to do this long term for income.  In return, they've booked me solid with students (although one is currently missing, off trying to get pregnant according to her mother).So I would be backing out on them because I can't work nights and days.

At the same time, the money is decent. If the runaway shows up, I will make roughly $650 a month for 32 hours of work, which is not bad, but not enough to do much more than cover my bills and diapers. Plus taxes as I'm an independent contractor, so that makes my income more like $400 a month.

However, I feel, in this economy, that I should maximize my income if I can. I suspect I'll be unemployed sooner as opposed to later. Extra money now is good. Assuming the salary does more than cover child care.

Child care is always the sticking point isn't it?

The other problem is that I actually want to be a WOHM and a SAHM at the same time. (WOHM=work outside the home mom SAHM=stay at home mom.)  By definition these two acronyms are mutually exclusive. I can be either or, but not both. I don't understand why I'm conflicted. I have experienced the pros and cons of both working and staying at home.

I like working. I don't enjoy the balance of life issues or the daycare germs, but I enjoy feeling productive. Plus, I like structure, it makes me efficient.

At home, I feel aimless and adrift. The days kind of blur together. The housework never seems to get done and I have no money, but I have lots of time with the babeola. Sometimes too much time!

Then there's the babeola. What does she need? We have the same problem. She needs her momma and other children, but not too much of either one.

Why is this balance so delicate, so hard to find? Why am I not getting it right?